"Police on hunt for Tulip Murderer"

Slow News Day?

Last night, Japanese late night news channel, News Zero, ran a top bulletin on the incident of a (probably drunk) salary man who, on his way home, was wildly swinging his umbrella, cutting down road-side plantations of tulips in the process. It is estimated that about 65 tulips were slaughtered in the flower-massacre. The police are on the case, appealing for any witnesses or informants that might know the Gunma prefecture outlaw.

Tulip MassacreDoes anyone know this man? Photo courtesy of Gunma Prefecture Police

Was it a slow news day? Was there nothing more urgent to go in as the lead bulletin story?

Well, there was the news that Japan has decided to put a stop to rice imports (required under a WTO agreement) until soaring food prices stabilize. There was also the story of the 14 year old girl who took her own life by gassing herself in her apartment, incidentally inflicting 80 other residents in the condominium with gas poisoning.

And perhaps most alarmingly, there was also news that seventy-six unexploded US mortar shells, including 22 that may contain chemical toxins, were found in a densely populated residential area in Okinawa Prefecture.

But, for some inexplicable reason, the tulip-homicide took priority, leading viewers to question News Zero’s journalistic ability.

But, if you do happen to know the tulip-murdering bandit, please call Gunma Police on: 027-243-0110.

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Despite first impressions, this may infact be an important piece of journalism. Psychological profiles of serial killers reveals most had a history of violent tendencies that precipitated in early childhood. Most notably most tortured and killed small animals, eventually working their way up to human victims.

This tulip murderer may be in a similar early stage. Next he might progress to gardenias, and before long he might be found unleashing his herbicidal rage cutting down wheat or even rice with his sickle-like umbrella.

I say thank you News Zero, for bringing this potential cereal killer to our attention.

"Cereal killer"

Kudos on the extended windup in preparation for the unleashing of a homocidally bad pun.